Rent a Motorcycle in Cuba

rent a motorcycle
rent a motorcycle

 

Until recently people that wanted to rent a motorcycle could only rent 50cc scooters that were not fit to discover the whole island. And those are no real bikes!

Cuba is relaxing its laws slowly, and now you can rent a motorcycle! With some restrictions that is… It’s still Cuba!

You cannot just rent one (or two) hop on and discover the island. (Well, there is a way: find a foreigner that has temporary residency and a motor and is willing to rent it to you… I’ve done that a few times, and it is great although the motorcycle had some problems.) In practice this is just not possible as a tourist.

Brand new BMWs

To avoid those problems you can now rent a brand new BMW Enduro. That’s the perfect bike for the Cuban road conditions.

Profile organises motor tours all over Cuba with those BMW F700 GS.

motorcycle adventure
Motorcycle adventure

The advantage is that you and your group (individual subscriptions are welcome) always will have a guide and troubleshooter with you. Cuba is bound to give you some trouble at some time. The guide speaks English and is a motor fanatic, so you are in good company.

9-day motor tours

They organise three different tours, all nine days. See their website for details. They take care of everything (lodging, food and motorcycle) so you can concentrate on cruising.

The good thing about Profile is that they are very flexible. You can negotiate an individual motorcycle tour with them! (only company doing so).

I did a tour with them; it was a great adventure! Great company too. All bike enthusiasts like me. We had a ball, and the bikes were perfect. (One broke down and got replaced within 4 hours!) That’s a miracle in Cuba!

motorcycle rental
Waiting for a new bike

But

Before you rent a motorcycle, you should familiarise yourself with Cuba. It is a totally different culture, and nothing is what it seems to you. Here’s for instance how to save a few hours upon arrival.

Or read this to understand it is a different ballgame!

We realise that we see Cuba in a different light than the main stream travel stuff… here’s how we handle the Jineteros. (And you will run into them!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cuba safety and dangers

Cuba is known for her safety and lack of dangers

Cuba is very, very safe. Incredible safety! We can be very short about that. If you don’t do idiotic things, you will be safe.

In Cuba, the police are very respected and not always visible (a lot of undercover agents keeping you safe.) Nobody will attack you, stick a knife up your tummy or wield a gun (there are no guns on the island other than police and army. That’s one of the advantages of a police state) Cars are too slow for drive-by shootings anyway.

Safety in Cuba

Harassing or robbing a tourist is considered a significant crime and very severely punished. The Cuban police have a reputation of always getting her man and cameras are everywhere and are believed to see everything. Don’t worry… Cuba is very very safe!

Real dangers in Cuba.

The only real danger is being scammed for a few bucks. It dents your ego and if you don’t learn fast it might even be dangerous for your wallet in the long run. But these are soft scams compared to the rest of the world. And they are more intelligent because in Cuba the social elite like a surgeon or a college professor scam tourists too… That makes the dangers in Cuba actually funny!

In the last ten years, only one (ONE!) tourist got killed by violence, and this Mexican was involved in a drug deal… Steer away from drugs, and you will be safe.

A few safety tips for the really stupid

Don’t walk at 3 o’clock in the morning alone in a bad neighbourhood with a 3000$ camera, bulging wallet and gold chains on your neck. Leave your Rolex at home (time is of no importance in Cuba). Don’t carry weapons and don’t do drugs.

Don’t kill anybody (Cuban or tourist) or get into physical fights.

Don’t get (too) drunk.

Don’t do anything sexual with underaged (18) boys or girls… Cuba takes her youth seriously and is fierce in protecting it. I agree with that policy.

That’s all there is to keep yourself safe in Cuba!

Dangerous:

The biggest danger for normal people are the holes in the pavement! No really… watch out where you put your feet! I see a lot of tourists that have done an unexpected excursion to the hospital because they broke a wrist or twisted an ankle… Watch your step.

If you rent a car, don’t drink and drive.

Be safe!

And now let safety go and prepare to have fun in Cuba! On the ‘get the e-Book‘ page we have a tip for you that will save you a few hours in Cuba!

Recommended reading

You will run into the jineteros. (And if you don’t know who they are, you are not ready for Cuba.) Here’s how to handle them.

 

Rent a bike in Havana

Rent a bike forbidden

Until recently, renting a bike was impossible in Cuba because Cubans were not allowed to rent their bikes. (Something with dirty profit and thus capitalism.) So now, with some pride and we like the guy so to promote him, we announce:

Rent a Bike in Havana

bike in Havana
rent a bike with driver

Ovidio (an old-timer of 73) has found a way around this problem. He took out a license of  ‘operador de equipo recreativo’ and on that license, he is allowed to rent bikes to foreigners.

He flew in about 20 bikes from Panama and is renting them out for 14 CUC’s per day.

That means 7*14=98 per week and 30 or 31*14=420 a month…

The per year price: Special offer! 365*14=5110 CUC. No, there is no advantage in renting long-term… it’s 14 per day! That’s Cuban buisiness for you.

Friendly Italian

The company is financed by a nice Italian (never thought I would say this, I don’t care much for the Italians that frequent Cuba). The two of them are chatting on the curb all day. Their bikes are terrible, so their place is worth a visit but don’t rent a bike if you want to live.

Good Bikes

And zen came the Germans.

Good bikes

Olvidio’s bikes are made in China and not very good to say it friendly. But until February 2017 they were the only bikes for rent in Havana.

Profile (a German travel agency)  changed that. They designed bikes, especially for the Cuban roads and climate. Made in Germany. These bikes are just perfect to make a tour, even for the whole of Cuba if you want! They deliver the bikes at your doorstep and pick them up again. It’s German organisation: quality, and efficiency.

You can book your bike online. They deliver the bikes at your home!

Or you can pick them up at their central location in Vedado… You should book beforehand though… Parque Mariana de las Grajales, Calle D and 23, in front of restaurant Irani Topoli, VEDADO. Save 10 per bike!

Do rent a bike

Enjoy your bike ride in Havana! Go out to Miramar and take the ferry across the bay to Casa Blanca. If you want, this guy can give you some bike itineraries via TripUnique.

If exploring Havana on your own is not your thing, BajaBikes has an organised tour for you. With others or with a private guide if you want.

Biking is the perfect way to discover the non-touristy parts of Havana. If you spent more that three days in Havana (and I would recommend that) rent a bike!

When in Havana, look around… Find the things I did not see in Cuba (yet).

Before you go to Cuba however, you should read our book!

 

Missing in Cuba

Things you don’t see in Cuba

Of the things you don’t see, half might be there but out of sight.

A friend of mine told me that you should never believe what you hear in Cuba and only believe half of what you see.

Whining kids

Walking through town, you will see a lot of kids. They don’t whine! Yes, sometimes they cry if they fall hard or are in pain, but they don’t whine. And if you see a whining kid, it is probably at least half ‘owned’ by a Yuma (foreigner). Somehow the way Cubans treat their children makes them responsible, small adults.

Boats on the sea

noboatsFrom the Malecon in Havana, but everywhere else too, you will see the only Caribbean sea without any ships. Once a week a cruise ship will sail into the Havana harbour and sometimes a freighter, but there just aren’t any other ships or boats to be seen.

It is awe-inspiring at night; you are staring into a black void! Enjoy

Nips and tucks

There is no plastic enhancement in Cuba. Everything you will see is real! (Some Italians smuggled implants for their girlfriends, and they paid top CUCs to get them implanted (illegally), but you will not see them, they live in expensive discotheques).

Not a Cuban girl
Not a Cubana

Snow and advertising

Neither Snow nor advertising is legal in tropical socialism. No billboards exist except the ones shouting out political statements. Snow is such a nightmare for Cubans that although it has not snowed since Columbus, Cuba bought four snow shovels a few years ago. Better safe than sorry!

Gum on the streets

If a Cuban buys gum (or gets it some other way) he will chew it all day, put it on his nightstand and chew on the next day. The average gum lasts for a week or so.

This does not mean you don’t have to watch your step. There is dog shit everywhere. Dogs roam free and have no masters running after them with a plastic poop bag.

Supermarkets that cater to all of your needs

The concept of a supermarket is almost non-existent in Cuba. Almost because there is one supermarket that caters to foreigners and rich Cubans: Palco in Miramar, a rich suburb in Havana. Nor wil you find outlet stores, shopping malls or fastfood chains.

Decision stress…

In Cuba you either buy the deodorant or not. There are only two brands: available or not available. So if you need a deodorant I would recommend the first brand.

Tourists that are not being ripped off.

You will find that out for yourself when you get there… Here are some tips and tricks.

Traffic Jams

Just not enough cars to make Jam…

Old American cars at the gass station.

The almendrons run on water! You will never see them fill up their tank in a gass station… The truth is that all the old cars that serve as a fixed route taxi have a modern diesel engine. They buy their diesel on the black market and not a gass station.

Almendron
Almendron on water

People that know these secrets (klick)

What you do see are jineteros. Here’s how to handle those street hustlers.

Cuban Cigars

How to buy Cuban Cigars?

Lots of people return from Cuba with one or a few boxes of Cuban Cigars and want to sell them for a profit because they bought great cigars at a very low price. Let me pop that dream for you: If you know nothing about cigars and don’t understand Cuba, chances that you made a good deal are close to zero.

Cuba has a very high ‘no clue’ tax on everything. So if you have no clue about how to test a cigar and rely on the story of the guy selling them you pay that fee.

“Buy Cohiba sir?”

You will never buy a real Cohiba following the guys that whisper this in your ear in the street. Never! They will look like Cohiba, they will be packed in a very nice box and have all the seals, but the cigars are NO Cohibas! Buying them for 10% of the official price in your home country is NOT a good deal. Trying to sell them once back will only get you laughter and no profit.

Straight from the factory!

Stories like: ‘my aunt works in the plant’, ‘my husband is the manager’, ‘you must have read in the paper about the cooperativas making cigars’ are all just BS. Those stories are as good as the boxes they sell look, and both are fake…

There’s a whole underground industry which ends with a salesman selling you fake cigars in a little room. Before that tobacco is stolen from the factory floor, cigar bands are falsified (or bought in the cigar band factory), boxes are made in an attic and seals are stolen.

All this cumulates into the moment that you buy real Cuban cigars… Not…

Only two reasons to buy Cuban cigars in Cuba.

Cuban Cigars

1 They look good on your coffee table and make for a good story. Say ‘yes’ to the cigar peddler, have him take you to an illegal ‘shop’, drive a hard bargain (you should be able to get to about 25 a box, they will start at 125) and buy yourself a conversational piece.

2 It makes for a fascinating excursion! Just say ‘yes’ to a cigar peddler and follow him to a back room in a dump… Don’ buy the cigars!

Where to buy Cuban Cigars?

If you want to buy Cuban cigars, use Google and find yourself a cigar shop with an excellent reputation in your town.

‘No clue tax’ evasion

The ‘no clue tax’ doesn’t only apply to Cuban cigars. It applies to everything in Cuba. You could consider our book good tax advice :-). We have the tax heaven route figured out for you! Buy it now and save on taxes and time.

In Cuba, you buy cigars from a jinetero. If you do not know what that is, you should not even go to Cuba. Here’s how to handle those street hustlers!

Rent a car

The second best way to explore Cuba is to rent a Car.

If you want to rent a car, do so before you go. But you might want to read this post to the end (and our book) before you do so! Once in Cuba the agencies never have the car you want (or any car for that matter) unless you are willing to pay premium money…

Rent a car on the Internet.

Although they have three different brand badges in Cuba: REX, Havanauto’s and Cuba Car (Al websites might be offline or not… It’s Cuba) All car rental companies belong to the state as you can see here Gaviota. So there is no competition. Monopolies make for bad service, high prices, bad websites and very limited options. A first glance at their websites will convince you that this is going to be hard. Just try to find the car you would like on one of the sites above and you will see.

No other operators are available on the market. Forget about AVIS or Budget or any other favourite agency.

How to rent one?

If you want to rent a car directly from the state-run companies there are a few things you should know. The websites are not very user-friendly.

Step 1: Fill in your requirements and you will probably get the ‘no car available that fits your requirements’ answer. Play around with ‘Pick-up’ location, Pick-up time and Pick-up date until you get a car proposal. This can be time-consuming.

Step 2: Fill in the required application.

Step 3: Get a bill from a vague office in Paris or Hamburg (depending on your location). This strange payment request is the ‘Embargo effect’. You can not pay Cuba directly so the Cuban rental car companies have set up front companies abroad to be able to receive money.

You can pay that bill, works 99% of the time! You might or might not get a voucher, but your car will (probably) be waiting for you.

Shopping around for a better price is useless… It’s a state monopoly. All cars are the same price everywhere. (Unless they are a lot cheaper but that is too good to be true and usually will cost you less money for no car. This site, and others like it, are notorious for renting NO cars for a very good price. Then, a few days before you leave they ask you for an upgrade (extra money) because your car is not available. Whether you pay or not, does not matter. No car upon arrival. New ones are popping up regularly. Use your common sense! )

But read on…

rent a car

Arguments against renting a car

Cost

Cars are way more expensive than anywhere else in the world. It’s just costly.

Availability

There are very few cars available for rent. Very few. Even if you rent a car via the internet, you might not get one. (And you might not get refunded either)

At the moment a lot of Cubans rent the tourists cars and drive them as a taxi. They rent long term and pay a little bribe under the table. So there are just not enough cars for regular tourist available…

Waiting time

I’ve set up my office at a hotel that has a rental car agency and pity the guys hanging around for hours waiting for their vehicle. And sometimes, after waiting 5 hours, they get send-off because there is just no car available.

Supplemental costs of car rental

In addition to the rather high prices per day, you will have to pay 10-20 CUC per day in insurance, a deposit (depending on the company but you can do this with your credit card) and the full tank of gasoline (which is not full). And of course the gasoline you will consume during your trip.

When returning your car, you will have to pay a 100 CUC fine if you didn’t read our book. (Not that they ask if you know it, but because of a trick they pull with the contract. The cost of not reading CubaConga can be rather high).

If you decide to rent a car, we explain not only how to avoid the 100 fine but also what to do in case of a flat tire (probability you will get one about 80%).

In August 2017, gasoline was scarce. It might be a problem to fill up your tank! Buy gas whenever you can.

So why do you see all websites promote rental cars?

Because they earn money with that… DUH… I could make a handsome buck promoting car rental via an affiliate link. But I’m just providing usefull info as I see it.

The better solution:

Rent a car with a driver for less

You could decide to rent a car with a driver. A lot of Cubans rent tourist cars for a lot less than you can. They fill them up with black market gasoline and drive taxi all day.

To find such a taxi, ask your casa particular or go to the Viazul station. This will add at least 10 CUC to the price so just book one trip (let’s say Havana-Trinidad which should cost you about 90-100 CUC for a whole car). Then talk to the driver and negotiate prices for all the trips you want to make. But you will have to bargain hard!

This is a quote I received from yotellevocuba for Havana-Camaguey (560 km):

Hola Sr. (a):

Ante todo un saludo y gracias por su comunicación con nosotros. Sobre
su solicitud el precio de ese recorrido sería de 390.00 CUC ida, e ida
y vuelta de 430.00 CUC.

That is an outrageous price since I’m able to make this trip for 90 (renting a whole car! (And you should be able to do it for about 110.)

Having a clue, in this case, would bring the price you pay down to less than 25%! That’s why we wrote our book… Please read it and get yourself a clue!

Advantages of this method:

  • You use the car when you need it. If you want to spend a few days in a place, you don’t pay.
  • It’s a lot cheaper in gasoline. You would have to fill up your tank in an official gas station at 1.40 CUC/litre. Your driver buys it on the black market for half that price.
  • You do not have to spend 4 to 5 hours at the renting agency, waiting for your car. (Customer service and State Monopolies don’t go well together.)
  • He knows his way around and can act as a guide. You will have lunch and dinner in cheap places that offer excellent service and good food.
  • You won’t get any fines.
  • If your driver becomes your friend, you will have an ally during your adventures.
  • It’s very relaxed to let someone else do the driving. He knows local conditions and understands Cuban traffic better than you do.
  • You will not get a flat tire.

We explain in our book how to get and negotiate such a deal.

You should know

That the probability of getting into an accident is quite low and the chance people get hurt even lower. But not 0! If you get into an accident with injuries, you might not be allowed to leave the island until the investigation is finished. That might take a month or more… Every year a few tourists get stranded on the Island.

Renting a car in Cuba is different. Almost everything is different in Cuba, so please prepare your trip! Read our book for much more advice on how to best cope with Cuba.

You might realise by now that we have a different view on Cuba than the mean stream Travel guides and websites. That’s because we are residents and spend a lot more time on the Island than the average writer. Here’s for instance how you should handle the street hustlers.

Finding a fixer in Cuba

Everybody is a fixer in Cuba

This blog is about finding a fixer in Cuba. Sometimes a fixer is worth his weight in gold; others just cost their weight in gold. You have to make the difference.

Offers of fixers:

Cuban streets are full of people more than willing to help you out. In the tourist areas, they are all (yes, all) just after one thing: Becoming your fixer for an hour, day or week and getting as much money out of your pocket as possible. So streets are off limit if you want to find a fixer in Cuba.

How fixers work

Fixers have all kind of ways to earn money. The most used method is the commission system. A fixer will get commission where ever he takes you (and that commission is added to your bill). The more money you spent, the better for him… Guess what his primary objective will be?

You don’t need a fixer

But why would you need a fixer? You can fix everything yourself. Read our book to get up to speed on how to handle Cuba, and you will probably be a better fixer than anybody you will meet on the street!

Enjoy Cuba and fix it yourself!!! With our help it’s easy!  Let us be your fixer from a distance! Fixing stuff in Cuba is a piece of cake. Order our book HERE, and we’ll give you a tip that will save about two hours one in Cuba… We fixed a waiting line problem.

Because Cuba is very safe, you can fix your own stay. Only if you really want a fixer and want to pay top dollars you can send us a mail at cubabookconga@gmail.com. We will fix it. Or this guy can be your fixer app in Havana 🙂

Or you could read our book. It’s faster and cheaper… 🙂

Don’t take a jinetero as your fixer. You will not buy his loyalty no matter what you pay.

How to book a Casa Particular in Cuba

Do Book a Casa Particular!

The best way to discover Cuba is book a Casa Particular. Sometimes this is confused with ‘staying at the home of real Cubans’ but you have to realize that most Casa owners are the elite Cubans because they have access to hard currency. The ‘real’ Cubans would be the people that work in your Casa.

There are different ways to book a Casa particular:

Safe and sure

Go safe and surf the web.

Or just google: ‘Book a casa particular’ and you will find loads of booking sites. Don’t be surprised that the Casa you’ve booked is full and they take you to another one. That’s just Cuban business… They make a commission on that… Most Casa’s you will find on the internet, however, are professional B&Bs. The fun is gone as soon as they start calling their guests ‘clients’. It’s still closer to the real Cuba than any hotel but mostly it’s strictly business.

Here you can book a Casa or a hostel. 

Internet sites

The websites that group loads of casas are called agencies in Cuba… They collect a commission (which is added to the price you pay). It’s easy to spot the ‘internet Agencies’… The base price seems to be 30CUC/night. This means they pocket 5/10 CUC… If the base price is around 35 you’re dealing with a ‘Casa shark’. If on top of that there is a booking fee… (this price range is for houses that are not in Old Town Havana or Vedado. There prices are a bit higher)

More about the commission system in our book.

Budget

A new class of Casas emerged last year. On a Casa Particuar permit, they rent out beds and not rooms. Perfect for travelers on a budget and mostley found in Havana. You can book one here.

AirBnB

When AirBnB came to Cuba in 2015 You could find Cuban houses on AirBnB but you couldn’t book them. It was just a PR stunt. AirBnB couldn’t transfer funds to Cuba so they couldn’t pay the Cuban owners… Some of the house owners weren’t even aware that they were on AirBnB!

Update March 2016. Obama brought a present… from now on everybody can book via Airbnb and Airbnb is allowed to pay the homeowners their fees. This evokes an ethical/practical question. We explain in our book how the commission system works. Jineteros pocket 5 CUC per night and thus raise the price of your house. That’s too bad but the money at least stays in (or comes to) Cuba and helps the local economy.

Now Airbnb is the super jinetero peddling housing. The problem is that the 5 CUC now becomes 15% and the money never gets to Cuba. It’s being skimmed by an American multinational. So the Cuban economy is less stimulated if you book through Airbnb… We are not very happy with this because we think Cuban Jineteros are nicer that American multinationals and we prefer that they make a few dollar. The choice is yours.

Bad for Cuba

Another update 2017. AirBnB is about 2 months behind with payments. Blablabla about the US embargo…Homeowners refuse bookings… It’s a mess… Forget about AirBnB… On top of that they drive prices down with their logaritms. Good news for you, very bad for the Cubans who already have to struggle to make ends meet and pay the hefty taxes. I met a guy who was very proud he rented a room for 7,85 per night… That is simply abusing the home owner who is forced to rent his room to pay taxes.

If you still want to book via AirBnB you have to fill in a form to declare you are abiding to US regulations. If you are not an US citizen you can fill in whatever you want, the form does not apply to you.

Cuba-Junky

You could download the Casa-app from Cuba-Junky… loads of Casas! Cuba-Junky does not charge a commission to the casa’s they promote. The downside is that you will have to comunicate yourself and that is mostly done in Spanish. (Google translate is your friend!)

Adventure

Less sure is just go with the flow and find a Casa wherever you are. This might cost you a few dollars in commission and you have no clue as to where you end up. It might be a villa or a dump… Every Cuban you meet on the street is willing to help you find a Casa Particular. Just wander the streets and you or a helpful Cuban will find you one… This always will get you a bed… Mange, sometimes, is optional!

Not a very good casa particular
another Casa particular

 

 

 

Authentic

You could also send me a mail at cubabookconga@gmail.com and if I’m not in Havana “my” house (as in the Casa particular I always stay) is available. You can not find this house over the internet, nor will you stroll by it,  it’s outside the tourist zones…

It is a luxury house (even with a hot water Balloon) and the people are my friends… (that means I consider them very nice!). This is my way of helping them out a bit… Don’t worry about the commission… They serve me a good meal once in a while, however! :-).

Have to be a bit of a bitch here… This offer is only valid for people that bought the book… I’m not a ‘for free’ travel agency. Sorry that I have to say this here.

Privacy

Or, if you want some more privacy (wink wink) you could rent a private house or apartment.  Please read Love & sex in Cuba before you make plans :-). This site specializes in independent casas particulares without a host checking on you. You are free to do whatever you want.

Do book a Casa Particular!

Anyways, the way to go is booking a casa particular! You can’t get closer to the real Cuba.

Read more about Casas Particular in our book. We’ll show you the tricks and explain the best method to deal with this particular system.

After you found a Casa, you have to rent a car or find yourself another form of transportation. We would recommend the last option… Renting a car can be a hassle and we have a better solution!

10 do’s and don’ts for Americans in Cuba

Americans in Cuba

Yes… I know this page is full of prejudice :-)… It’s fun to write with a bias for a change!

Until 3 or 4 years ago I was very impressed with the Americans I met in Cuba. They were civilized, spoke some Spanish (or even very good), adapted to local culture and customs and were well prepared to the specificities of Cuba. That slowly changed so I decided to write this post for all Americans that want to visit the ‘working man’s paradise’.

Apart for people that yell ‘Muerica!!!’ that should not go to Cuba or anywhere else in the world, here are 10 do’s and don’ts for Americans in Cuba:

1 Do learn some Spanish.

Very few Cubans speak English well enough to communicate even about the basic things. Without communication, Cuba is a lot less interesting. Fortunately, you know a lot more Spanish than you know… I’ll show you in the book how much! Don’t expect everybody to speak English, they don’t… So don’t expect them to and do not get angry if they can’t tell you where the nearest ATM is (It’s in Key West)…

2 Don’t over tip.

Americans are great at tipping but over tipping makes people feel inferior. Imagine you earn 10.000 dollars a month (just as an example) and somebody tips you 1800 dollar for 10 minutes of your time. Does not feel right does it… It immediately changes your relationship with your customer. You like the money he just gave you but do you like him? Is a normal relationship with this guy still possible? Stick to 5-10%, even if the bill is just 10 dollars.

3 Get your money straight

Do learn the difference between CUC (also called the dollar or Peso) and Moneda Nacional (also called the Peso) and use both currencies. A lot of interesting things are sold in Moneda Nacional and tourist crap is always sold in CUC. Money is a hassle in Cuba so learn the tricks. This will not only save you a lot of money but also opens the door to a whole new Cuba for you.

ATMs do exist… they don’t work for you… No restaurant accepts credit cards… Please do get your money straight! (The nearest ATM in Havana is in Key West…)

Peso Cuba
Moneda Nacional MN
3 CUC peso
this is a CUC Peso

4 Don’t be loud.

I’ve already seen some Americans venture into Cuba being way too loud… You’re a guest; blend in to enhance the Cuba experience. Wear long pants if you are a man over 30. Some Americans think that their conversation is so interesting the whole restaurant needs to hear it… It’s not… Blend in, please!

5 Do realize you are always wrong.

The Cuban reference frame just does not fit your’s… So your assessment of a situation is wrong… Nothing is what it seems to western eyes. See being wrong as a game or it might destroy your ego… Especially Americans are very misinformed about Cuba. Propaganda exists on both sides of Florida straights and you’ve been told a lot of lies.

6 Talking about lies. Don’t believe too much

Don’t believe what the Cubans tell you…This is an easy one. 50% of what Cubans tell tourists I can prove to be a lie… the other half I’m just not able to prove it! Cubans tell you what they believe will help them to get into your pockets. The truth is a very vague concept in Cuba.

7 Do pack everything you need.

Wallmart does not exist in Cuba and finding simple things like deodorant or sunscreen can take a day (or more). Most modern consumption items are just not available. Take some hot salsa because the food in Cuba tends to be a bit ‘flat’.

8 Don’t stay in an all-inclusive…

Go travel and discover the country. Anyway, if you are de all-inclusive resort kind of tourist, our book is of very limited use for you. Get out there… Subtract one or even two stars from your resort to get to western levels. So if you stay in a resort…: Don’t complain.

9 Do feel safe.

Cuba is a very safe country! Crime rates are incredibly low. As long as you don’t venture out into dark neighborhoods at 3 at night with a big bundle of money and an iPhone in your pocket you’ll be fine!

10 Don’t go looking for a MacDonnald’s, Starbuck’s or ATM

There is only one on the Island and that’s in Guantanamo Bay… Guessing you don’t want to eat there! ATMs do exist but will not work for you. Blame Potus who raised the fines handed out to banks doing business in Cuba. The nearest ATM from Havana for a US citizen is in Key West.

11 Lower your expectations about everything.

Do's and don'ts for Americans in Cuba
Ask for a receipt!

Or even better, put them on hold. Service is substandard by any standard. Food is regular at best. Airco’s make noise but no cool air. Cars break down. Waitresses are not smiling and coffee is cold. Etc Etc…

Do ask for a receipt… they want you to! Translations are enigmatic.

12 Do Bring Cash

Credit Cards a nowhere to be accepted and ATMs just laugh at you. Don’t blame the Cubans, it’s the embargo!

13 Don’t give racism a second thought.

14 Do prepare yourself.

Read some books (dump the Lonely Planet, they spent 15 days in Cuba and listened to what the Cubans told them (50% is dead wrong)) and realize that Cuba is a totally different cup of tea. A good start would be this site and our book… Please read it and ask your money back if you don’t like it! It will enhance your comprehension of a very weird country and improve your stay in ‘The working man’s Paradise’!

15 Don’t even access your PayPal account.

Just don’t. They will see you’re in Cuba and block your account for a few months at best. Just leave your PayPal account alone! So Do Not order our book while in Cuba plz. While we’re PayPal bashing: Please don’t put the word ‘CUBA’ in the comment section when ordering our book… Por Favor!

On the ‘get the book‘ page we’ll give you a tip that will save you about two hours in Cuba. Just circumvent procedures in a legal way!

These do’s and don’ts will not enable you to encounter situations like this

Bonus: Don’t avoid the jineteros but know how to handle them!

 

 

Cuban absurdities

Just a few short stories to show that Cuba does not fit our reference frame:

Rum on an AA terrace.

Driving around with a friend we spot a beautiful terrace and decide we want to have a rum there. That’s just something we do. We stop and sit down. 4 waitresses are chatting with two barmen but none of them comes out. That’s just something they do…

So I walk in and ask for two rum. There is no rum for sale in this place they tell me. Normally that would be the end of the story but not in Cuba!

I ask for two glasses with some ice. They give it to me, I think they must be aware that we intend to drink rum. I walk out with the glasses and my friend fetches a bottle of rum from the car and we pour ourselves a glass. Content!
10 seconds later the four waitresses storm out and explain to us that we can’t drink alcohol on their terrace because it is a youth club that does not serve alcohol and therefore alcohol is forbidden…

But if we want we can drink our rum on the terrace upstairs. We get up to and walk towards the stairs. But we get stopped, we can’t take our glasses upstairs because they belong to the bar downstairs. Even my guarantee that I will return the glasses does not change that.

So now we have a problem. The rum can go upstairs but the glasses cannot, and we can’t drink rum downstairs. My friend proposes to hide the bottle and puts a napkin around his glass. The waitresses are in awe about so much inventively! That is the solution! Now we can drink our rum on their terrace! We drink our rum, chatting with our four new friends.
We decide to have another one, this time upstairs. However, that terrace is closed, and the bar inside is cleaning up after a private party. We ask for two glasses and ice again and get two plastic cups… No ice available upstairs… We sit ourselves down on the ‘closed’ terrace and one of the downstairs waitresses walks by to sign off on her shift. We call her over and ask her to fetch a glass for herself and some ice for us. Instead of fetching a glass with ice, she insists on taking our cups downstairs and comes back within minutes with a glass for herself and our cups filled to the brim with ice. (We always ask for just ONE bloque de llelo!). Suddenly glasses are permitted…
The 3 of us drink our rum in contentment on a closed terrace two plastic cups and one glass!

Now picture this story in any western country. You walk in an AA bar, ask for two glasses, pour your own rum… End of story… Here is another one you might like… The Internet is a difficult story in Cuba… but I found Free WiFi!!!

If you think this is funny… you should read our book… It’s full of things that are just different in Cuba!

Empty Hotels

Things that will not happen to you…

Now if you think that mastering the game of CubaConga reduces the frustration let me tell you the following story:

In Nicaro, a little town between Holguin and Moa on the north coast, they have abandoned a nickel factory. 4000 people used to work there and closing the plant was a local drama. The economy is down and out.

When the factory was still operational the high brass slept in ‘Casa de Visita’ a lovely 50s hotel with eight rooms and a suite.

It’s been empty ever since they closed the factory. But the staff is still fully present (can’t use the word operational here). Together with some friends, I’m having dinner in the restaurant of Casa de Visita, and I love the place. Furniture from the 50s in pristine condition, a view over the bay that takes your breath away and the food is not all that bad.
Planning on coming back (my kid lives around the corner) I ask if I can book a room. ‘No way! You are a foreigner!’
I show them my ‘Carnet’ (I have a residency, which gives me the same rights as a Cuban) and that proofs to be magic (as it has proofed before). Off course, I can sleep there!
A few weeks later I sent my girlfriend to the Casa de Visita to book a room and to verify that indeed we can rent a room. ‘No way! He’s a foreigner!’ She explains that I have a residency and magic happens again… But she can’t make a reservation… Booking and paying go hand in hand.

So two weeks later I arrive with a simple plan in mind. We’re going to have dinner and sleep in the lovely ‘Casa de Visita’.
The plot thickens as a woman storms out to tell me that I cannot stay there and by the looks of the dark dining room there is no food either. The lady, somewhere in her 40’s told me that the kitchen is closed because of a short circuit and that foreigners are not allowed to rent a room. I show her my carnet but no magic this time… I cannot stay. And since the kitchen is closed, we can’t eat of course.
But she offers to call Miramar, a hotel nearby that offers ‘the same services’ as Casa de Visita. I think to myself that I hope they offer more service than no food and no bed… She returns from the public phone and assures me that we can eat at Miramar. About sleeping I will have to convince the reception desk myself.

So I change plans. I call a friend that we will call ‘Taxi’ from now on. I call my girlfriend and explain the change of plans. Taxi and girlfriend need some time to prepare so I prepare myself for a long wait while the sun slowly sets over the bay… I ask the manager for a drink but there is nothing to drink. So I ask for a glass (when in Cuba, always carry some rum). But she has no glass as the kitchen is closed… So I sit and wait.

Shift change. One lady of undefined age leaves and another appears. All Cuban hotels seem to be managed by slightly overweight 40 something ladies with cone-shaped legs in net stockings that are tired of years of doing nothing. This one is no exception. She’s surprised to find me in the lobby so I explain my story. ‘Show me your carnet’ she says and since that sounds more like an order than a question I comply. Her conclusion is that there is no problem. I can stay at de Casa de Visita. But there is no food since the kitchen is closed…

I change plans: I love the Casa de Visita and have seen their suite (which is nothing more than a bigger room, but it is nice and was very modern half a century ago. So we are going to eat in Miramar and sleep in Casa de Visita. I call Taxi and girlfriend to inform them of the change in plans. When I hang up my new friend arrives with a sad face. She called her boss and I have to leave… I cannot spend the night in Casa de Visita.

Taxi arrives and I call girlfriend that we are on our way to pick her up (she lives 3 miles away). She’s not ready so Taxi and I decide we go to Miramar to see if we can sleep there (girlfriend and I that means).

We arrive at Miramar what ‘see the sea’ means and it’s located at a magnificent location. About 20 above the sea on a cliff with a view that matches or even surpasses the view from Casa de Visita! That is, as long as you stay outside the hotel. The architect didn’t think it necessary to put windows on the seaside. This is a post-revolution hotel and views are not important to socialists. Life is stern.

We are welcomed by a 40something lady and I had to look carefully otherwise I would think this was the woman that sent me away the first time from the Casa de Visita. She was not but starts right away telling me that ‘yes you can eat’, pointing at a set table but ‘no you cannot stay here.’ I show my carnet and say that I’m a resident. Nope, that changes nothing…

I’m tired, hungry and frustrated by this food and bed hunt and lose my cool. Words like xenophobia, bureaucracy, fear and discrimination are mixed into my tirade. The last one attracts the attention of a big black guy in a corner, that has been listening in. He simply nods to the receptionist and everything changes. We are welcome to sleep!

So I ask Taxi to fetch my girlfriend while the receptionist and I plow through the administration. They arrive 15 minutes later and we are still filling out forms. She takes us to our room. It has a romantic Fluorescent tube, the bed is terrible and the tiles on the bathroom floor are slippery, very slippery because they are not floor tiles. There’s no water except for a bucket in the shower, no soap and of course no toilet paper. Only one worn towel and a hole in the sheets.

We have dinner in an otherwise empty hotel while the staff (3 undefined women and the cook) watches a soap in the lobby. Asking for another beer sparks a fight about who’s going to fetch it. Working ethic is different in Cuba.

We ask for a bucket of water to be heated in the kitchen and retire to our room…

The surprising end of this story is in our book ☺.

Don’t worry, this will not happen to you… Here are some things that will happen to you!

Sitting on a terrace, I ask for water.

‘Still or bubling?’ asks the waiter.

‘Still please.’

‘No hay’… (the definition of ‘No Hay’ is more subtle than we’re out of it. For explanation get our book plz.

Cuba is surrealistic. Here’s how to buy a fridge…